The Inner Dialogue of a Tooth Fairy Standing by the Side of the Road Holding a Sign

I should never respond to “Will you do me a favor?” with a “yes.”

No wonder sign-holders always look so miserable.

This is miserable.

This is what misery is.

I should be listening to Sufjan Stevens right now, that’s how miserable I am. I kinda want to meet him…but like only for a quick coffee, not brunch or anything.

People in large white vans shouldn’t wave slowly. No sir, I’m not getting kidnapped today, so please stop creeping toward the curb!

Aw, that little kid just yelled “Hey, tooth fairy!”

What a sweetheart!

And now he’ll be forever ingrained with the image of the tooth fairy as a curvy Ghanaian twenty-something.

I did not pull all-nighters in college for this.

Don’t you shake your head at me, bicycle lady, my life is actually pretty good! Your pity is wasted.

I should chase her down and tell her that, but I don’t want to get arrested in a tooth fairy costume.

Did that man with the confederate flag bumper sticker just honk at me and lick a chicken bone?

Please tell me in what universe that gets you women.

I could never look my grandkids in the eye if I had to tell them that I was seduced by their grandfather’s Confederate cruiser and greasy chin.

I’m too afraid of drugs, so when will I ever be able to dance by the highway in a fairy costume again?

Maybe at Electric Daisy?

Let’s be real, I’m never going to Electric Daisy, I’m too afraid of drugs.

Next time I see someone on the side of the road, hating life and slowly losing it, I’ll wave or smile or something.

Mad props to the sign-holders of the world.

I really mean that.

This could be the worst day ever or just fodder for my tell-all memoir.

Must acquire more interesting things to tell-all about.

Maybe I’ll move to Brooklyn or something.

Unlikely.

Also published at The Tangential 

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